For years and years the Beaufort Scale has been used by divers and other seafarers as the benchmark of what to expect on a dive trip. No longer. From years of hard experience I have now developed the...
GrownUpSAC MING SCALE!
| Level | Name | Description of you | Reaction of other folk |
| 0 | Fresh | You have just had a nice shower and remembered to put deodorant on afterwards. | Other people comment on your pleasant scent. |
| 1 | Mostly Fresh | You had a shower last night before going to bed but didn't wash this morning. | Other people don't mind being near you. |
| 2 | Light Whiff | You had a shower in the morning but you've now carried your dive bag, twinset and sidemounts to the boat. You can clearly catch whiffs from your underarms and hope other people don't notice. | Other people don't notice unless they are very close to you. |
| 3 | Gentle Whiff | You are hot and sweaty from carrying your kit and would like to cool off, but you begin to think you'd be better off in your nice sealed-up drysuit before other people start to notice. | Other people start to notice, but don't say anything. |
| 4 | Moderate Whiff | You feel you need a shower and a clean change of clothes. | Other people frown when you are near, and make efforts to move away. |
| 5 | Fresh Whiff | You know you need clean clothers and a shower. Your t-shirt feels unpleasant and is definitely wet under the arms. You want to hold your arms up to let them dry but do not dare. | Other people make sly comments about cleanliness. |
| 6 | Strong Whiff | You start to avoid people to avoid embarrassment. Your t-shirt and underpants are wringing with sweat. | Other people start to complain. |
| 7 | Near Ming | You wish you had washed your undersuit after the last dive trip. You fear that it has gone a bit more furry than it was. | Other people loudly complain that you should wash more often. |
| 8 | Bad Ming | Your undersuit has now done a weekend's diving with no opportunity to be aired, let alone washed. Even you think it is bad smelling. | Other people hold their breath while they zip up your drysuit, and refuse to unzip it after the dive. |
| 9 | Severe Ming | You ran out of clean t-shirts three days ago, and are re-cycling previously used ones. Unfortunately these had been stuffed into a plastic bag and are very high. | Other people tell you to go into town to get new clothes but you wouldn't dare venture into civilisation. |
| 10 | Extreme Ming | The stench from beer and curry consumed the night before have mixed with stale sweat to produce a particularly objectionable effect. | Other people gag when they get near. |
| 11 | Violent Ming | A diet of junk food for a week has had an appalling effect on your digestive system and your farts are capable of clearing a large room within seconds. | Other people will cross the road to avoid you and may blackout if made to stay close to you for more than a few seconds. |
| 12 | Minging | This is the normal state for the average dive trip. | Who cares what other people think, anyway? |